Don't Squeeze The Charmin!

Many of us fondly remember the kindly grocer, Mr. Whipple, who chided toilet-paper shoppers in countless television commercials, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin!"

Now, environmentalists want to put the squeeze on Charmin and all other soft TP. Why? In the words of one wacko, "Softness equals ecological destruction."

Here's how the "thinking" goes:

The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country's love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public's insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.

"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous," said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.

"Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution."

Oh come on. Is nothing sacred? What do they want us to use, that first grade filler paper with the chunks of wood in it?

I can't help but laugh at the statement that "future generations" are going to regard TP production "as one of the greatest excesses of our age." This is a joke, right?

It's clear to me that future generations will regard our extraordinary tolerance of every nut who complains about the U.S. to be "one of the greatest excesses of our age." And, if they are really concerned about my TP, they can kiss my delicate, pampered . . . oh never mind.